What do they see when they look in my eyes?

I put down the pen for awhile during our transition to Florida. Journaling has always been a source of comfort and release for me. Blogging is interesting. As a writer I am drawn to it, but its public nature is somewhat unnerving for me. I often wonder what stranger at a distant computer is reading the words that I have just spoken. But I love sharing life. A shared life is a lighter and more joyous one.

I have been struggling with one of the most important roles I will ever have: mother. Never in a million years did I think it would be this hard. I remember the flood of emotions that washed over me when R was placed in my arms. I cried exuberant tears and in that very moment, every star in the universe was aligned and the angels were singing and praising the birth of this precious new child. After nine months of agony and consuming thoughts, this boy was the expectant one...not me. Expecting what? Every day I ask myself that very question. When I transitioned from full-time working mom to stay-at-home manual laborer, I found myself waking up in the morning terrified and asking "what am I supposed to do with you all day?" The creative thinker was bone dry. I was known for my improvisation skills and unlimited ideas and in the eyes of my three-year-old child...my resourcefulness was extremely limited. I actually Googled what I should be doing with these children. Funny and not funny all at the same time.

For the longest time, I have not felt guilty about much of anything. One of my favorite things to say is "It is what it is." But in this role as stay-at-home mom, G is the letter of the day. G is for Guilt. If I do not have a fabulous home-cooked meal on the table, I apologize. If my children don't look perfect, I wonder why I couldn't get it together. If R has to wear pull-ups to bed because I didn't have clean underwear for him, I think I have completely lost control. I have called myself selfish for liking Facebook too much or for wanting to go shopping during what I like to call "child primetime" (any time other than naps). The guilt of course leads to action plans, checklists, rescheduling and generally assigning myself a new personality.

Enough! Enough. The craziness must end. God gives us just what we need and trusts us with the things he has given us responsibility over. If He believes in me, why don't I believe in myself?

The question remains, what am I supposed to be doing with these children all day?

The biggest task I have is to love my children. To truly love...love my children. And do I ever love these precious ones. But do I love them like God loves me? I think our Creator "hung the moon" both literally and as a figure of speech. The peace and joy that I have from a relationship with Christ is so beautiful and miraculous. I have peace and reassurance because of the faith that I have in Him. Do my children have peace because of me? Or do my children inherit anxiety and mental chaos because of the world I create.

While my children sleep, I am creating a new to-do list for tomorrow:

Blow bubbles

Talk about dreams

Create vivid imagery from the story I will read

Hold my children and look deep in their eyes

Go for a walk in a peaceful place
Pray for them while they are awake

Because who they are tomorrow is a result of who I am today.

Hey friends...it's been awhile

In the quiet

On Time...

Life is fast. New memories cycle in and old ones fade into the blurry. I journal the simplest things. I'm afraid that I won't remember. The soft skin on his face, the laughter, the innocence; it's all fleeting...the way he says "hold you." It must be so, for that is the design. Some days I almost feel panicked. Like the days are animate objects, falling one by one out of my hands.

I cannot believe that two years has come and gone. I am beginning to see lines in the corners of some friends eyes and I know the inevitable has begun. We are still young, but no longer in our youth. I am embarking on the age my dad was when he was diagnosed with cancer. Miraculously, he survived and continues to live a full, healthy life. But it's there. It started when I was 30, the shadow of death looming in the quiet places waiting for me to slow down and think upon it. Not until I had children did I actually consider my own mortality. Now, I can't get to the oncologist fast enough. I visit two times a year and admonish those of you who haven't gotten the message...get out of the sun and put a hat on.

Through my childhood I developed the lovely, neurotic coping skill of control in order to deal with my emotions - anger and fear, to name a couple. It's very becoming if you like that strained, constipated look. So, going to the doctor twice a year and slathering sunscreen is how I respond to my fear. I know the best way to respond to it is to give it up altogether. I think I should still take precaution, but the nervous anxiety that lurks in my heart is wasteful. Last Sunday, our teaching pastor spoke on a message about your life not turning out the way you had planned. It was wonderful. My grandmother said something to me once about lowering my expectations. I, of course, scoffed at the notion of lowering my expectations. I think I interpreted it as a request to lower my standards. Now that I'm older I have come to realize that it was less about me and more about the other people in my life. For years now I have had unfair expectations of others to get on board with my plans. Everyone has a right to make their own choices and live their own life and my happiness cannot be contigent on the decisions of others.

There is a freedom in Christ that enables that release. I'm still working on it, but learning every day to accept the journey that was designated uniquely to me. I embrace the passing years and pray that God will keep me in the now...keenly aware of the soft skin on my little boy's face, the laughter, the innocence and the joy that comes from every morning.

Now selling Chez Ami!

I am so excited about my new venture! I am a sales consultant for Chez Ami, which I must say are the most cutie patootie clothes ever. My consultant ID is 511129, so if you go online to make a purchase make sure you enter my id number. I will be hosting some trunk shows the first two weeks of September. If you are interested in hosting a show to receive great host discounts please let me know.

If you are interested in selling Chez Ami in your area, please let me know and I will refer you to be a rep.

I became interested in this line after a precious outfit for Rowan continued to withstand spray after spray of SHOUT and wash after wash to remove chocolate, dirt and a myriad of other things. Now that little Arden is on her way, I can't stop thinking about the cute girlie options they have!

Visit www.chezami.com today! The Fall/Holiday line will be introduced at my trunk shows in September!

Almost 2 years

Next week, Rowan will be 23 months old. As he approaches two years I am just overcome with so many emotions. I absolutely adore him. We are busy preparing for the arrival of little Miss Arden. When I think I have everything together, I dream up new things to do for her. I have a check up on Monday to find out if my body is progressing towards labor day. I hope so, it means I will be able to induce. Scott has a crazy schedule in June and induction will work best for our family. Otherwise, Scott may not be there for her birth. I am about to get my hair highlighted and done, so I am excited to take a breather this afternoon and get ready for a fun weekend.

Rowan likes Chock-It

Mother's Day

Yesterday was my second Mother's Day. Here are a few of my favorite quotes about mothers...

The precursor of the mirror is the mother's face. ~D.W. Winnicott

One good mother is worth a hundred schoolmasters. ~George Herbert

A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie. ~Tenneva Jordan

"I remember my mother's prayers and they have always followed me. They have clung to me all my life."-- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

Our Rowan is rapidly approaching age two. He is adorable and I love being his mother. Now, that being said, I did endure a rather lengthy headache as the result of his large noggin boldering down on my forehead yesterday afternoon. Although a mild trauma, it did produce tears and frustration, something a mother of any boy would certainly understand.

The past week, especially, has been a speed learning session for him. He is stringing together two-word combinations with more ease - like "chock-it milk". My favorite word over the past few days has been "Chair O's" for Cheerios. Yesterday he said "Happy Mommy Day". It was delicious as iced tea with real sugar.

He is rambunctious and mischevious. He now completes understands the act of willfull disobedience, running with a smirk away from our commands. He is saying "Arden" with more clarity and I think he is beginning to understand that we may be having something to do with a baby. He stops at the entrance of daycare and points to the line of carseats, exclaiming "baby!". He puts his hands on the walls and says "pink paint, gumpa". (My dad and Robin helped paint her nursery walls. )

Yesterday for mother's day, we went to the zoo. Rowan strolled around in his little red wagon and enjoyed all of it. Scott woke me in the morning with one of the best gifts he has ever given me, it was a storybook/scrapbook with a story about us finding each other. What a super gift!! We had dinner at Applebee's and finished the night with the movie Atonement. It was a really good film. I could not have asked for a better Mother's Day!